my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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