they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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