Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
