I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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