i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You are a genius and a whore.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
