I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
