So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
