When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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