when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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