there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
