i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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