When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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