dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
