We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
