Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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