My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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