haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He felt like a one man threesome
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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