There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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