I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
