im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
