I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
