She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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