So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
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sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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