Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
