Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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