Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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