If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We need to get me chipped asap
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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