Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
