I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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