kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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