I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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