what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Text me some of your sweat
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
