my soul wont recognize me after tonight
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
