I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
