So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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