I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
