Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
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im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
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I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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