Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
