Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
