we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
