Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
