nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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