halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
