Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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