I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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