i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
