i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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