he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
