Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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