I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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