i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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