i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
