Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
