i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
