I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
