I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
