I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
