I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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