I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
