you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
