Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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