your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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