maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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