i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
