Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
