Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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