I want to walk on stilts...naked
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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